There goes my car...

If you've ever seen the movie "The Naked Gun" starring Leslie Nielsen, then you might be able to visualize more clearly the tale I'm about to tell. Not that this is a tale like those told when tucking in the toddlers, for this tale is true... sadly. But there is a funny scene in said movie where Lieutenant Frank Drebin, played by Leslie Nielsen, parks his car near the police station and then gets out to walk down the sidewalk and into the front door. After exiting the vehicle, and forgetting to put the car properly into "park", it begins to roll down the street wreaking havoc on pedestrians and other vehicles. This commotion incites Drebin as he cannot believe that someone would drive in such a way. His reaction is to shoot at the vehicle (not realizing it is his own) and it eventually crashes and explodes. This movie, of course, is a slapstick comedy of exaggerated puns and physical humor. Unfortunately for me, it's a near true-to-life depiction of what happened to me today!

Warning: the following story is true, and though quite hilarious, it's a stern reminder that you should never drive when overly tired!

Earlier today I drove from Kigoma town to the village of Kaseke to deliver the Bibles we had promised during the seminars we did last week. The drive is not too long - only about and hour to an hour and a half - but the first forty five minutes of the bumpy dirt road is being worked on so that I have to constantly jog from one side to the other dodging the rocks and boulders used as construction cones while trying to avoid enormous passenger busses and lories that would squash me without even realizing it. So it's a physically and mentally tiring journey.

A few minutes after leaving town I realized that I had forgotten something, so I had to turn back and take care of it. This made the drive even longer. Then, after turning back to town, I realized that I should probably eat some lunch before getting on the road again. So I filled up on rice, cooked bananas, and other starchy foods, which we all know are the number one cause of afternoon after-lunch sleepiness! After eating I got back onto the rocky road and drove the hour plus to Kaseke.

When I got there Pastor Elias greeted me into his home and insisted that I have lunch with him and his family. I explained that I had just eaten before coming but still knew I had to eat again in order to avoid disappointing and offending him and his wife. So I put more carbs into my system, got fuller and fuller, and felt the "spaced out" phase of post-lunch lethargy coming on. After second lunch (I think that's Shire speak), I finished my business with the pastors gathered there regarding the BIbles, and then went for a short drive a bit further down the road to check out the location of the next village while waiting for my Tanzanian friend, Robert, to finish his business so I could give him a ride back to Kigoma. An hour and a half later he was ready to go and we headed off together. Because I was still able to maintain a simple conversation with Robert in Kiswahenglish (that's English and Kiswahili mixed), I was unaware of my languorous mental state. Dropping Robert off in town meant losing the one thing still stimulating my mind and so my senses would become even more sluggish.

The exact level to which my attention to details had deteriorated is illustrated by what happened next. First of all, I can't even remember what actually happened right after I dropped off Robert. That's bad enough. But a few minutes later I was driving the opposite way from the way I was going when I dropped him off and was headed back out of town to where we live. I decided to stop at Kigoma Bakery to pick something up. I parked, as I always do when visiting this small store, just past the shop on the left and slightly off the pavement (we drive on the left here) parallel to the road. I had the air conditioning on because of all of the dust on the road from Kaseke, and because it was humid today, I decided to leave it on while I ran just a few meters away to get what I needed. As I closed the door to the car, engine on, windows up, and doors unlocked, I heard the little voice in my head say what it says every time I do this... "What if somebody steals it?" I replied to the voice in my head... with another voice in my head, saying, "Nobody will steal the car. Everybody knows whose car this is. Where would they go with it? Nobody will steal it." This was the silent conversation I was having with myself as I was exiting the vehicle, closing the door, and walking the few steps away and around the corner of the big freezer truck parked in front of Kigoma Bakery to get what I needed "real quick".

Honestly, I wasn't gone more than fifteen seconds. As I came around the corner of the freezer truck I looked up to where my car should have been and saw that it wasn't. Immediately I saw that it was driving off without me, though it seemed odd that there was a young Tanzanian man jogging alongside it and it appeared to be moving rather slowly. I stood there for just a brief moment thinking about what was happening. I'm sure it was only one or two seconds, but it felt as if time stood still. I thought, "I can't believe somebody actually stole the car! What are the chances? It can't be!" Then I thought, "This guy running alongside the car is probably the friend of the guy in the driver seat who thought it would be funny to 'pretend' to steal the car as a joke. That must be why he's only driving a few miles an hour." I was sure this was the case as the young man running alongside the car had a funny look on his face that seemed to fit my surmised scenario of trying to warn his friend that the joke was up and the owner was back. All of these thoughts and scenarios went through my mind in slow motion in the span of a second. Then I gave chase.

As I ran up the slight grade, the car slowed a bit and the young man who had been running next to the car moved to the front and put his hands on the hood as if he wanted to stop the car but couldn't. As I got closer to the car and could see into the driver's window I realized what the strange and slightly funny face he had been making was all about: there was NO driver! The reason he had been running alongside was because he saw the car driving off without me and tried to get in to stop it. The problem was (and still is) that my driver side door handle is broken and without knowing exactly how to pry the little nub of handle that is still attached to the latching wire there is no hope of opening it (another reason I thought that nobody would steal it!). By the Grace of God, just as I grabbed for the handle the car nearly stopped. I jumped in and immediately saw that the car was still in drive. Oh yeah... I forgot to mention that my parking brake doesn't really work very well - if at all.

So apparently what happened is this: I pulled over, pulled up the parking brake lever, began having an argument with myself about whether or not the car would be stolen if I left it running and unattended, and then exited the vehicle without ever pushing the shifter up into "park". I can only imagine that from the time that I first began walking down and away from the car, it began crawling up and away from me. But again, I was so tired from lack of sleep, too many carbs, and a long day of driving that I didn't even realize it. This young man saw what was happening and tried to help, but he couldn't open the driver's door due to the broken handle. By the time the ordeal was over, my car had driven itself up the main road in "downtown" Kigoma about 100 meters with my would-be rescuer and myself in chase. When I did catch up to it and got inside to put it into park, I looked at the young man and shrugged my shoulders and chuckled like it was no big deal. A sort of "silly me" look. Then I realized that half the town was staring in amazement at my stupidity, so I put the car in drive and took off for home just as fast as I could.

Being stared at here is a regular, daily thing for me. I have people come up to me and talk to me all the time - using my name - and I haven't got a clue who they are or what they are saying. That's just a part of living here and being a huge white guy. But now... now I've given the whole town the ultimate reason for looking, pointing, talking, giggling, and anything else they wish to do towards me. And who can blame them?

If you've never had this happen to you - and I can't imagine you have - then you have no idea how strangely funny it is to watch your car drive away without you. It's an odd combination of humor and fear as the adrenaline kicks in just in time to put an end to the slowly developing smirk forming on your face. Even writing now I'm not sure if I should be ashamed, thankful, solemn, or ROTFL (rolling on the floor laughing as they say in internet chat-speak). In any case, I hope it made you laugh. I only wish I had a video. I also wish that I could say that I'll never drive while tired again, but I know I will. So please pray for me!